Here is the video I just made to go along with the ridiculous voicemails. 

Hey Friends,

So it has been quite awhile since I’ve posted anything on here, which is quite a shame.  The one good thing about it though is that I’ve built up a trove of ridiculous shit that I’ve been meaning to post on here for a while.  I’ll start with the oldest of that group which is a group of voicemails that I recieved back in February of 2010.  

The back story to these voice mails is as follows:

I went out with two good friends, Justin and Jon, on a Friday night, and as we walked back to my place from a local bar we passed by this one drunken guy staggering home as well.  True to form, Justin struck up a conversation with the guy, partly being inquisitive and partly just fucking with him.  Somehow their conversation led them to talk about the Maverick surf contest that was to take place in Santa Cruz the next day.  The Drunk guy, Jeff, lamented about how he didn’t have a car and couldn’t get a ride to the event, but would pay $200 to anyone who would take him.  Unbeknownst to me, Justin offers up me and my car to be this guy’s personal taxi.  He proceeded to give the guy my cell phone number, as well as his, so we could set up something the next day.  I was pretty unhappy with this, but Justin used his Jedi mind tricks and shots of rum to convince me how great it would be to see the surf contest and earn $200 at the same time.  By Saturday afternoon the guy hadn’t called, and I was quite relieved because all my hangover and I wanted to do was sit on the couch and watch tv.  Sunday morning this guy was a distant memory, that is until I turned on my phone and saw I had 3 messages from him…  And that was just beginning.  Below is a compilation of the 6 messages I receive from this guy from Sunday morning to Monday afternoon.  Unfortunately Tumblr doesn’t let me post the message individually (or at least I haven’t figured it out yet) so that I can put the commentary in between.  Luckily the messages are so ridiculous they don’t need much commentary to be entertaining.  I hope you enjoy listening to this coked-out, awkward, passive aggressive, bipolar guy ramble on and on.  I find the messages pretty entertaining, especially the last one.  

nnelrac:

I like doing hoodrat stuff with my friends

After reading this supposed suicide on CraigList that a friend send to me, I immediately started thinking of ways I to make light of it through a blog post.  (Yeah, yeah, I known, “What an asshole!”) After further thought though, the compassionate side took control and I remembered what has been said in many a high school assembly, [serious face] “suicide is not a laughing matter.”

Then, I had the following gchat conversation:

Me: Why are you searching CL for suicide notes?

Friend:  LOL. I didn’t, “Pamela” sent it to me.

Me: that makes a little more since, but still why is she searching CL for suicide notes?

Friend: When she writes hers, she wants to make sure it is the best one out there.

Me: Going out a winner I guess.

. 

And I realized that this proverbial maxim regarding suicides and comedy should be slightly altered.

New rule:

Real suicides = not funny

Hypothetical suicides of friends = entertaining banter to get through the work day

For the Last 6 months I’ve been getting pretty excited about moving to NYC this fall to start grad school.  Then this morning I saw this video…

Then my excitement just shot through the roof. How much fucking ridiculous shit must be going on in this city if a man can sit on a train licking his shoe and everyone acts like it is normal. The pne guy doesn’t even look up from his newspaper. That just leaves me to wonder, what type of shit has he see to make him so indifferent to someone literally spit-shining his tennis shoe on the train?  I feel like to get this guys attention your craziness  to have some combination of at least 3 of the following things:

• A live farm animal
• A farm animal that was obviously recently slaughtered
• Anal Sex
• HIS grandmother
• Actual usage of Crack, PCP, Meth, or Heroin
• SANTORUM - not the former Senator (Google it if you don’t know)
• A band of  MIDGETS dressed as Smurfs
• Profuse bleedeing from an unnatural orifice of their body
• The corpse of Bin Laden

It has to be something like what happens in the following video

One Thing is obvious: To impress New Yorkers plain old crazy won’t work. Psycopaths need to be creative nowadays.

julioclock:

ztaylor:

Mubarak’s pinstripes spell out his name. One day I will be on this level.

!!!

So I first came across this pic a little while ago on my guilty pleasure website, Bossip.com, and I simply dismissed it as another display of insecurity misdirected into false bravado… Well that, as well as it being some GHETTO-ASS shit. 

However, after close examination of the words, I realized this girl was not simply exasperated by the undeserving adulation from fellow females. Instead she was perturbed by girls (like the one below I met at a club in SF), and their overuse of stars as a way of self-affirmation. I applaud her for taking a stance against this. STARRING is a growing epidemic among our youth and must be stopped to help preserve the moral fiber of our communities. 

There is only one group of people who should be STARRING, and those are elementary school teachers as they grade papers. And while it is unclear if these girls have the intellectual ability or emotional maturity to pass elementary school, one thing is certain:THEY ARE TOO DAMN OLD FOR THIS TOMFOOLERY.

However, don’t be fooled, this need to display a inflated sense of self-worth is not limited by gender

or race.

Anyone can be a 5-Star Idiot!

P.S.  I think that these were the type of ‘stank-butt girls’ that my aunt told me never to bring home.

RIP Auntie Gwen 07/18/1951 - 01/19/2011

emilyheller:

Via Tea Party Jesus